Joy to the World
I woke up at 4:00am, about the time Gabriel wandered into our bedroom and then wiggled into our bed, with a song in my head. I didn’t ask for it, it just started playing, like an mp3 of the mind, if you will. Obviously, with the BIG DAY fast approaching now I am reflecting on the whole “true meaning of Christmas” thing. I usually make it a rule never to subject anyone to bad poetry, but consider this my Xmas (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Winter Solstice) gift to you.

I’m so excited ‘bout this blank blank coming holiday
That I could punch the shepherd’s eye
I’ll knock fat babies off their pedestals
And then I’ll simply pass the stinky manger by

What child is this who, laid to rest, on Mary’s lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet, while shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King, whom shepherds guard and angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring him laud, the babe, the son of Mary

I have a theory that the holiday is oversold
I’m sick of little girls in ruffled tights
I’ll overturn the tables of the pigeon men
And then I’ll simply pull the plug on all the lights

O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie;
Above thy dark and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting light;
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

I’ve stepped in camel dung the Wise Men left
And my boots need to be tied
I’d steal their frankincense with half the chance
And then I’d go and hock it for a five

break, middle eight, or guitar solo

And Woody in his movies said the Lord would puke
If he came back to earth today
I’d hold the bucket and collect his slop
And then sell his holy vomit on eBay

Joy to the World, the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare him room,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing

Fade to Linus reciting The Gospel of Luke, chapter 2.

Apologies for all the metrical failings in my words. My crude and rudimentary musical skill prevents me from getting this song out of my head. (Proof that the world may yet be safe from my diabolical plans.) Maybe for next Xmas. There is a riff and rhythm to it, but my fat fingers need a big dose of gracefulness before anyone else could hear it. (Not that they would want to.) I imagine the Xmas carols would either be, like, harpsichord and strings instrumentals, or maybe some cheesy Welsh policemen’s choir recording. (No offense meant to any Welsh policemen who might be monitoring this humble blog.) My verses would have simple strumming acoustic guitar with a few electric overdubs. Feel free to comment or offer recording contracts. I could use a good producer. Thank you.