All the News That's Fit to Beat to Death with a Hammer
Since I've lived in these parts I've noticed there is a...healthy? rivalry betweeen Michigan and Ohio. People line up to support one college football team or the other--that's big stuff here. (Some idiots who have the good fortune to live in Ohio think they should root for that blue and yellow team, without ever seeing the inherent misguidedness of it. They live in OHIO. They might as well be rounded up and shipped up north if that's the way they're gonna behave--get 'em out of the gene pool, I say.) I've heard there was a small little war fought at one point over exactly where the border is, but I've never been upset about it enough to check the history books. I just assume Ohio won. In recent times some of the rivalry has centered around a dead bear. Toledo's zoo had a sloth bear on loan from Detroit's zoo, but the Toledo zoo people forgot to give it water and dehydrated it to death. (This is true, folks.) The erring zookeepers said they didn't realize he was ill--he just seemed lethargic. I saw the bear shortly before his untimely demise and he did indeed seem lazy. However, it could be debated that he was already in the end stages of death-by-dehydration and wasn't simply slacking. Anyway, that's some background. Here's yesterday's paper--front page, above the fold. A story designed to stick it to the Michiganders once again!
For the proud residents of the fine recovering-industrial city of Toledo it's just further proof that it's better south of the border. The Detroit police just couldn't be bothered to investigate a confession of homicide, it took Toledo's finest to crack the case! And the ineptitude of those not lucky enough to be born in the 419 area code is the stuff of modern legends, at least that seems to be the subtext of all this. I like subtexts.
Since I've lived in these parts I've noticed there is a...healthy? rivalry betweeen Michigan and Ohio. People line up to support one college football team or the other--that's big stuff here. (Some idiots who have the good fortune to live in Ohio think they should root for that blue and yellow team, without ever seeing the inherent misguidedness of it. They live in OHIO. They might as well be rounded up and shipped up north if that's the way they're gonna behave--get 'em out of the gene pool, I say.) I've heard there was a small little war fought at one point over exactly where the border is, but I've never been upset about it enough to check the history books. I just assume Ohio won. In recent times some of the rivalry has centered around a dead bear. Toledo's zoo had a sloth bear on loan from Detroit's zoo, but the Toledo zoo people forgot to give it water and dehydrated it to death. (This is true, folks.) The erring zookeepers said they didn't realize he was ill--he just seemed lethargic. I saw the bear shortly before his untimely demise and he did indeed seem lazy. However, it could be debated that he was already in the end stages of death-by-dehydration and wasn't simply slacking. Anyway, that's some background. Here's yesterday's paper--front page, above the fold. A story designed to stick it to the Michiganders once again!
For the proud residents of the fine recovering-industrial city of Toledo it's just further proof that it's better south of the border. The Detroit police just couldn't be bothered to investigate a confession of homicide, it took Toledo's finest to crack the case! And the ineptitude of those not lucky enough to be born in the 419 area code is the stuff of modern legends, at least that seems to be the subtext of all this. I like subtexts.
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